Miki D

By November 16, 2016Story

How depression feels… in my own words.

When depression gets a hold of me, i have no choice but to surrender. Depression wins and I lose. Instantly. Depression places me in this pit and cover me with this thick, black fog. It doesn’t tell me when it’ll be back to remove the black fog to get me out of here.

 

I can’t see the sunlight.

I can’t feel loved.

I shiver.

I forget what joy feels like.

1 min starts to feel like 1 hour.

I can’t taste food.

I feel like I’m chewing on rubber bands when I do eat.

I feel like a burden to this world.

I sit on the couch and just stare out of the window and cry.

I feel isolated.

I feel hopeless that I must continue living like this.

I feel like I’m alone.

And I turn my brain on the survival mode.

 

I start repeating the things my parents told me when I was diagnosed with depression.

 

“Quit the negative thoughts.”

“Just snap out of it.”

“Stop being such a pessimist.”

“You are depressed because you are ungrateful.”

“How can you possibly depressed?”

“We sent you to private school since you were 4 and picked you up in a Mercedez Benz.”

 

I cry.

I cry more.

I cry until I can’t cry any more.

The two people who caused most of my trauma says it’s my fault that I am depressed.

All I wanted was “are you okay?”

 

Getting out of bed is a struggle.

Taking a shower is a struggle.

Trying not to stop and cry out loud while brushing my teeth is a struggle.

Whole day is a struggle.

Trying not to cry is a struggle.

Battling the feeling of emptiness is a struggle.

Believing this shall pass is a struggle.

Going up the 4 steps in my front porch is a struggle.

Breathing is a struggle.

Keeping my eyes open is a struggle.

 

My head hurts.

My teeth hurt.

My body aches.

My ears hurt.

Everything hurts.

 

The thing about depression is that it’s not just mental. It physically hurts.

 

People assume that they know depression. The thing is, nobody understands it unless they have gone through it. You have to be in my shoes in order to feel how hopeless and empty I feel.

 

I ask you not to assume that you know what it is to battle depression unless you go through it. If you know someone who is clinically depressed, please say this “I am sorry you feel so down. I personally have never gone through it so I don’t know what it is like to battle depression. Can you please tell me what’s in your thoughts? What can i do for you right now?”

 

Most of us, or possibly all of us with depression are not looking to hear any advice, the million reasons why we shouldn’t be depressed, or opinion about how to snap out of it. What I want when I’m depressed is to sit next to me, put your arms around me and say “I’m sorry, this sucks. But you are not alone.”

 

Loneliness and isolation are my biggest fear when I’m depressed. I fear that no one notices me if I disappear. I assume no friends want to see me when I’m depressed. So I stay in this pit with black fog over me and hide.

 

I keep hiding. By myself. Alone. But after a couple of suicide attempts a few years back, I learned to let a close group of people know when depression gets a hold of me.

 

So I did this time and Michael and Leslie are my support. Thank you for making me feel like someone cares. And at the end, us humans simply cannot live alone. We are all in this together.

 

Today, I’m grateful to know I’m not alone.

6 Comments

  • Cristal P says:

    Thank you for your brave story. I have and currently feel most of those. The black fog is so heavy and unrelenting. The back pain and exhaustion have become so normal. I’m finally getting help . I Start a new psychiatrist Monday. It’s been since 2002 that I sought professional help.. praying for better days and reading this helped me remember I’m not alone.
    Cristal

  • Anne-Marie says:

    Depression grabs ahold of you at your weakest it takes your job your family your life your money your valuables your furniture your bed it takes everything from you you are not the same person it takes your name your job title you do not exist in society you are a bag of air

  • Laura S. says:

    Thanks for posting this Miki. I feel it all and still walk around in hopes I don’t show them so I don’t bum people out or upset them.

  • tim says:

    Miki, I feel the same way both in all that you described and in the fact that people say things and ask things that aren’t fitting. When somebody asks me ‘Why are you so depressed?’, it shows me they don’t understand depression or anxiety, which I suffer from both. Stay strong as I also try to do.

  • Dan says:

    Miki
    Those of us that have had these feelings know. Oh yes we know that feeling of not being yourself with a black cloud hanging over you is the WORST feeling in the world. Seek out the help from the people that love you, it WILL help. Dismiss those that don’t understand. Your excellent writing was as if you were describing my condition. What a gift, keep using it to not only help others but to help yourself. Life is worth living!

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