My current, ongoing battle with Anorexia
It’s a constant voice in your head. A never-ending battle with yourself and your mind yelling and yelling you’re not good enough, nor are you thin enough, beautiful enough or clever enough. You are not enough, or at least, this is what it feels like. The Anorexic voice starts off quietly, whispering and slowly creeping her way into your daily life and thoughts ready to drag you to the pits of hell and the depths of despair and unhappiness. Though how can you possibly ignore her, when she’s all you supposedly have? She becomes louder, more manipulative and unfriendly. The torment and rules constantly drilled into your head, until listening no longer becomes a choice. Instead, it becomes a chore. But, right before your eyes, before anybody can stop it, before you get a glimpse of what’s going on (or has been for a long period) she’s got you, you’ve unwillingly become another one of her victims. Not just this, but you’ve also become a shadow of your former self. The self with at least a slight ounce of confidence and ambition. The former you that enjoyed indulging in birthday cakes and dancing for enjoyment, not to burn calories. The former you who was loved and cherished, ever so much, but then became blinded by this ugly monster.
I have had Anorexia for numerous years now and I am yet to say `it gets easier’. Each day is a torment, a battle between life and death and a journey I wouldn’t want anybody to face – yet I am hopeful and with each day that comes, I am closer to regaining my health, happiness and strength. I am closer to fighting the demon that has become all I’ve known for many years. Some days, I wish to remain in bed, isolating myself from the World and the look of my own reflection in the mirror disgusts me to the point of breakdowns and engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms. Other days are easier, more manageable, but not filled with freedom. With each day that comes, I am one of many sufferers faced with agonizing thoughts and harrowing feelings of guilt, alongside complete and utter hopelessness and despair. I have wanted to give up, I am writing this nearing the end of another difficult day, where I am trying my hardest to remain in a positive mindset. I have shed enough tears to facilitate the Pacific Ocean and I’ve not been myself for such a long time; I am still here and I am finding the strength and courage to make it through each day and the tough times I face.
‘Beyond fear lies freedom’. One day, whether that may be in five years or a decade, I am going to be on the right pathway to finding myself, embracing life and saving animals. One day, things will be easier. One day, life won’t seem so painful and distressing. Nonetheless, until then, I will take each day as it comes and the challenges brought with them. I will fight my hardest and accept the help I am privileged to have. And, most importantly, I will accept that even though things aren’t okay at this moment – this moment won’t last forever.
‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.’