I used to be slim. No, I used to be downright skinny. Now I’m not and the history of my eating follows the history of my medications. I’m sick of it; I’m sick of being embarrassed by my looks.
Just recently I have scrutinized my eating habits and have discovered that even with ‘medication on board’ I don’t have to eat everything in sight. I’ve never used this word before as applies to me but, I’m a binger – there, I said it. I’m a secret shopper for chips and ice cream, donuts and pizza. I will eat well for a few days but then I get an undeniable ache to stuff myself; I want to feel my belly full to the max. Why??? Well, I haven’t read much about binging because I just figured out that that is what I’m doing, so I couldn’t tell you why I succumb to this behaviour, but I do know that it has something to do with deluding myself, and emotion. No kidding, right? There is a feeling of stress in my body when I’m eating good food but not enough to give me the feeling of being stuffed. I cannot relax until I feel satiated, or, to be honest, stuffed. Feeling stuffed puts a hold on emotion I don’t want to look at.
It’s like addiction, the arm stretching out with no input from the brain, to grab an alcoholic drink or crappy food or an inappropriate sexual encounter. I have prevented that arm from grabbing a drink over the past 12 years, from grabbing an un-thoughtful sexual encounter over the past 9 years, but still haven’t been able to stop grabbing for food. When I’m in the supermarket I’ll look around to see if anyone is watching me while I grab a bag of chips or a pizza or ice cream. I feel ashamed when I check out but that doesn’t stop me. I will even go so far as to tell myself that this bag of chips won’t put any weight on, that the ice cream will just go right through me. Unbelievable!!!
Alcoholic drinking is unpleasant to witness. Stuffing a fat face is just as unpleasant to witness. Both are signs of addiction. For me, admitting I was powerless over alcohol brought me strength. I must try to admit that I’m powerless over food.
I can make excuses that my medications are making me XL but that excuse never really holds. Yes, the appetite that grips me in the evening after I take my medications is real; the difference is that I can eat something that’s good for me or something that isn’t good for me to try to quell that malicious appetite. I have discovered at times that I undermine eating something that’s good for me by eating way too much of it: too much of a good thing! I’ve tried Nutrisystems and Weight Watchers and Sensa. Nutrisystems was the most disgusting food I’ve ever encountered and couldn’t even finish the box. Sensa was stupid and the meetings for Weight Watchers were one too many meetings for me.
For now I’ll admit to the foods that are adding to my waist. I’ll put blinders on myself in the market to avoid purchasing those foods that have such a hold on me. I’ll try to identify the emotions that undermine my mind-set and find me running to food.
I’ll let you know how I do!