Today I have decided it is time for me to be honest, to stop living a lie, stop hiding, stop being afraid, stop battling my own self in two different worlds. I have decided it is time for me to accept myself, to grow and continue learning as a person, to love myself completely. In order to do this I have decided that it is time for me to come out…
Do I still have your attention?
Excellent, please keep reading…
I have made the decision to come out about my struggle with a mental disorder known as depression. I have been living with depression since 2005 and I am blessed and very thankful that in 2014 I am here to share this now. I am sick of being afraid to admit that I have a mental disorder. However, I am no longer afraid of the stigma or judgments surrounding mental health disorders. I am no longer afraid that no one will believe me, or what people might think of me if I tell them I suffer from depression. I am done living in fear. I didn’t ask for this. Depression isolates you from everything and everyone you ever loved, a big part of that isolation comes from fear, fear of rejection, of not being understood, fear of people thinking you are crazy. I have always loved the quote. “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” My voice shakes every time I speak about depression. Why? Because, with depression you build walls to survive, you seal off your emotional self, and become frozen, going through the motions of life, but never living, and when someone gets close to you and trys to penetrate that wall, fear is the only thing you feel, because if you aren’t careful everything you have built to survive will come crashing down, and every thought, feeling, emotion you have held frozen inside just to make it through one day, one hour, will hit you like a thundering tsunami.
Everyday I learn something new about myself and about depression, I continue to struggle with opening up to people and asking for help. Depression traps you, like you are slowly drowning but can see everyone else around you still breathing.
For years I thought I could “fix” myself and make myself not “be depressed”. I was to afraid to tell anyone what was happening to me. When you are in a battle with yourself neither side ever wins, there is only loss. Support and understanding is what is needed, however, the cycle of depression makes it almost impossible to ask for the very things we need. I am not looking for attention, all I want is for someone else out there to know they are not alone, I want someone out there to not give up, I want someone to speak up even if their voice shakes. Someone believed me, someone cared enough to listen, which saved my life.
I am still here, and I am standing up against the stigma.
Save a life, speak up.