I was always different. I lied about who I was. I talked to myself like there was someone standing there listening. If I was happy…I got so hyper that I couldn’t control myself. If I was sad…I would lock myself in my room for days. I remember once in college I locked myself in my room for a week and only left my room when no one was there. And if I was mad…I would snap…you would want to stand clear of me. I always had this behavior with a smile…always “happy”. I should have become an actress. I hid everything. I did it all on my own because I was so scared that no one would understand it and that I would be deemed as “crazy”. Then I finally snapped…
About two years ago I began to slowly fall apart. My bucket overflowed… Thinking I was depressed and anxious, I went to my doctor and she put me on an insane cocktail of medication…200mg of Zoloft, 15mg of Busbar, 6mg of Ativan (the lethal dosage) and 40mg of Ritalin a day. I can’t even tell you how I functioned as a human. It is all a bit of a blackout. I was an absolute disaster. In my past, with all the shit I had been through, I was lost. Lauren was gone. I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. It was like I was at my own funeral saying goodbye to the old me…the beautiful, lovable, smiley girl. I would have rather not be here on this earth than have people notice I was different.
Last July I had a nervous breakdown and tried to end my life, the night of July 11th, 2013. My best friend took me to the hospital. Luckily nothing happened to me. No slowness of heartbeat or breath. The doctors couldn’t believe it.
My mother and uncle came to the hospital and brought me back to NY. I went straight to the doctor from the airport. After tests and extensive therapy, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and Hypo Mania disorder. Finding out later on that all the meds I was previously on actually have an extremely negative effect when a patient is bipolar and not “depressed” (and that amount of meds should not be given to a human anyway…its insane!).
I moved home to get back on my feet. I went to the doctor almost everyday. I started to workout. I began to write, draw and paint again. I had come back to life.
I still struggle every single day with my illness but I have learned that there is nothing wrong with it. I embrace it. I am me…and it is the most empowering and incredible feeling in the world. I am not crazy. I am creative and weird and smiley and sometimes a bit more emotional than others, but that is okay. It is all okay.
I once saw a painting titled “A black rainbow”. Such a simple piece. It is a black arch with gold at the bottom. But its meaning is so powerful and true. It’s life. You have to go through all the darkness to get to the gold…but you can never give up.
I wouldn’t take back anything in the world that I have been through. It makes me…me.
And anyone who thinks that life is all sparkles and cupcakes is kookier than I am.