I grew up absolutely certain that I would be a successful professional musician. I knew this was what I was meant to do. At least if I couldn’t attain this rockstar status, I never had doubts about my future or at all expected that panic and Agoraphobia would turn everything upside down. I am 28, and have suffered from Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia and Depression since I was 22. I had panic attacks now and again starting at age 20, and it seems that one day I was immersed into a frightening world of senseless panic and derealization. My body felt numb, weightless, my head experiencing odd new pains, my breath seemed nowhere to be found. And this was the new me. I found a great amount of relief from all my symptoms with medication, however the only medication that seems to effect me positively is frowned upon by doctors. I have experimented with different psychologists and find therapy to be a world in which you must seek out someone who can understand your problem and experiences with empathy, and that can be difficult. Depression has set in for me multiple times, especially when realizing that my panic can and will deter me from achieving my dreams. I know the difficulty of attempting to play music to large crowds in large venues or wide open spaces, the impossibility of touring and flying in airplanes. Although I have been able to play smaller venues with the aid of my medication, I know that the road I was on has come to an end. I am coming to terms with that and am trying to regain my happiness and start living a somewhat normal life. I now have a son, less than a year old, whom I love more than anything, more than I knew was possible. For him I try to push on and find ways to cope with fear. My beautiful boy deserves an amazing life and I will do everything I can to make sure my disorder doesn’t interfere with his life. I have faith in therapy and am looking forward to seeing results. I may not get to be a rich and famous musician like I had dreamed, but I won’t give up on being a good person and the best father I can be. My heart is with every single sufferer of Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder.