About 2 years ago I started noticing changes in how I felt. I wasn’t as excited over things that in the past I would be excited for. I woke up in the morning just to go back to sleep, life literally seemed like a black and white world. I had nothing to add color to my days. I started crying at night because that’s when I got the most sad, because everything was still and quiet and everyone was asleep and I felt most alone then. One day my mom heard me crying in the back seat of the car, she asked me what was wrong. “Do you ever feel like you aren’t suppose to be here?” I said to her, as I was crying. She then cried and said she would like to take me in to see a psychiatrist. Days passed and I went into the office, told the doctor all my symptoms and she prescribed me an antidepressant.
Weeks went by and I had my first suicide attempt, not bad but had to be in the hospital for a day. Then I got sent to a psych ward. I was there for a week and they caught on to my eating disorder as I had been losing weight fast and barely eating. I got medically unstable from that and had to be transferred to an Eating disorder unit. I was there for a couple of weeks and got released – but I was nowhere near wanting to recover. A couple of weeks later I tried to kill myself again, and was life flighted to an ICU 2 hours away. I was there for awhile until I got better then was sent to a psych ward again. Again, they couldn’t handle my eating disorder so I was sent to that eating disorder unit again.
I was again released a couple weeks later and sent back to the Psych hospital for suicidal tendencies, sent home, sent back to the psych hospital, sent home, tried to kill myself, went into the ICU again, went to psych ward, went home. I had lost a lot of weight by then and we knew something had to be done about my eating disorder. I was then sent to a residential place for depression that had just a little bit of knowledge on eating disorders. I was there for a week and then kicked out and sent straight to a medical hospital because they could not handle the eating disorder.
Everything was still so black and white for me and no medication would help, this was something I had to defeat on my own. In the hospital I was on an eating disorder floor and had a feeding tube put it. I then was sent to a different residential for my eating disorder, had the feeding tube thru out that and was sent back to the hospital because they were unable to keep me safe. I learned so much through all that.
I finally got to a point in my life where I was sick and tired of basically being sick and tired. I tried my hardest to use my coping skills. I started meditation, yoga. It helps so much to slow down my thoughts and ground me. I’m learning how to love myself again and that’s the hardest thing I think a person can do. It takes strength EVERY day to get through the day but just taking it hour by hour is sometimes how you need to get through it. I now am surrounded by supportive people, and I am recovering. I never once thought I would get better but I am slowly getting there.