I am 19 years old and I have bipolar disorder. Its been a long road, let me tell you that. It all started when I went off to college. After going to a small, all girl school to a huge university, I felt lost. My long term boyfriend and I broke up, and that’s what really triggered everything. I started partying constantly, drinking, drugs, basically any way I could get out of my head. One night of drinking lead me to the emergency room, but that wasn’t even a big enough wake up call for me.
But the worst part of this illness, is that with every high comes a deep deep low. After I was manic, I fell into a deep depression. I started cutting myself. There was one night that I cut myself too much and I fainted from the sight of how much blood was gushing out. I woke up on the ground of the dorm bathroom, alone and totally drained emotionally. I hid behind my mask of smiles and laughs, but inside I was suffering. That summer of 2014, I went into an Intensive Outpatient Program, just to come out self medicating again. I smoked pot just to get through the day. When I went back to school, I once again had a manic episode which lead me into the darkest hole of my life.
I remember waking up crying simply because I was alive and I had to face the day ahead of me. I hated myself. I hated who I had become and I was disgusted just by the sight of myself. I was ready to end my life. I had a plan and it was going to happen. I replayed how I would do it over and over in my head, but when I fell short, I hated myself even more.
For whatever reason, I had a slither of logic come through my mind and decided that I needed to come home. I left my university, went back into the Outpatient program and really focused on my recovery.
There are still some days that I wake up and things are dark, but I see the faces of my little siblings and I remember why I am alive. Things are changing and looking brighter for me. I still have problems taking my medications, but I know with time I will accept who I am and what I have gone through.
I will get better, everything always does.