Sahar K

I am 19 years old and I have bipolar disorder. Its been a long road, let me tell you that. It all started when I went off to college. After going to a small, all girl school to a huge university, I felt lost. My long term boyfriend and I broke up, and that’s what really triggered everything. I started partying constantly, drinking, drugs, basically any way I could get out of my head. One night of drinking lead me to the emergency room, but that wasn’t even a big enough wake up call for me.

But the worst part of this illness, is that with every high comes a deep deep low. After I was manic, I fell into a deep depression. I started cutting myself. There was one night that I cut myself too much and I fainted from the sight of how much blood was gushing out. I woke up on the ground of the dorm bathroom, alone and totally drained emotionally. I hid behind my mask of smiles and laughs, but inside I was suffering. That summer of 2014, I went into an Intensive Outpatient Program, just to come out self medicating again. I smoked pot just to get through the day. When I went back to school, I once again had a manic episode which lead me into the darkest hole of my life.

I remember waking up crying simply because I was alive and I had to face the day ahead of me. I hated myself. I hated who I had become and I was disgusted just by the sight of myself. I was ready to end my life. I had a plan and it was going to happen. I replayed how I would do it over and over in my head, but when I fell short, I hated myself even more.

For whatever reason, I had a slither of logic come through my mind and decided that I needed to come home. I left my university, went back into the Outpatient program and really focused on my recovery.

There are still some days that I wake up and things are dark, but I see the faces of my little siblings and I remember why I am alive. Things are changing and looking brighter for me. I still have problems taking my medications, but I know with time I will accept who I am and what I have gone through.
I will get better, everything always does.

One response to “Sahar K”

  1. monica s says:

    Hang in there and once you are stable and well, you will be able to get through college too. With help and determination, you can do anything you want and life is YOURS to LIVE!! Best wishes on your journey

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