All my life I’ve felt different from the other kids. They always seemed so happy and sure of themselves. I was never the kid that people liked talking to because I wasn’t like them. Even on the rare occasion when people seemed nice I always had to question their motives. I’m not sure how to describe what I feel other than I feel disassociated from other people. For a long time I was depressed, that was until high school when I found people who seemed just as obscure as I felt.
But now, when I’m around people, I pretend to be someone else, someone less invisible. My whole persona changes when I’m around different sets of people. I’m like a Chameleon, changing shapes to blend into the people around me. I don’t feel like a real person, just a paper doll twisted into different poses. I get these thoughts, and I know they’re bad, but I can’t help it. I get angry and want to hurt people, and sometimes I can see it so vividly.
I used to self harm, not because I hated myself, but because I hated other people and would take it out on my own body. I know it’s wrong, but it feels like this dark part of me is the only part of myself I know is truly mine; not something I learned or copied from someone else just to fit in. It’s been getting worse, lately I just feel restless and insatiable. I feel wrong, so wrong in fact, that I’ve tried to determine ,myself, what’s wrong with me.
I can’t count how many online tests I’ve taken, trying to determine the flaw in my programming. I’ve never gone to a therapist, only because I know what people would think and say of me, what my parents would think and say of me. I want help, but I can’t get any without my parents knowing. I feel like if they did they’d hate me or try to get me exorcised. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless.
I’m happy to see sites like this, maybe, sometime in the future, I won’t have to be so afraid and unwilling to ask for help and treatment.