Caitlin’s Story

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, along with panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD, ten years ago.  Bipolar disorder was a specific diagnosis that for eight months, I dangerous denied, ignored, and intensely avoided.  I risked my life because the stigma of a significant mental illness in our society is so alive it reached out and got such a grip on me that I was virtually paralyzed. I survived those perilous months, but eventually, I landed in the hospital.  I could no longer hide from my Bipolar Disorder, but I was just beginning a long journey of hiding it from others.  I have learned how to live with my bipolar disorder.  How to balance manic and depressive episodes with a full-time job.  How to duck and dodge major questions when I quietly disappear for a week at a time. How to determine who I can trust and let into my reality. Each time I am hospitalized, I am discharged like a horse coming out of the starting gates. Poised to prove myself to those who knew my whereabouts and determined to secure my secret from those who didn’t.  Each time I am dragged to the depths of depression I am 'home sick with the flu.’  When I am flying high with mania, I play games in my head to try and not be as happy as I feel.  The truth is, I avoid you when I am not what you would consider to be ‘myself.’

Bipolar Disorder has brought me through the peaks and valleys of creativity and sensitivity.  Because of it I have written more, drawn more and simply made more.  Because of it I care more, I understand more and have more compassion for myself and others.  I am a stronger more persevering person.  But I am also an individual aside from my mental illness.  I have a strong moral compass and my M.Ed..  I am full of love and curiosity.  I am a friend, a daughter, a sister and a someday mother.  I would love the option of being myself day in and day out.

       I will find a find a solid place to stand when the Earth is shaking
       beneath my feet.
       I will hold on tight to the pillars in my life and lean on them when
       I am tired.
       I will dig deep and cherish what I have when my world seems empty.