Daniel B’s Story

At the start of my sophomore year my therapist diagnosed me with major depression. I felt hopeless, worthless, and utterly alone—feelings I never had before and to that intensity—and I felt ashamed for feeling this way. I couldn’t enjoy life, had frequent crying spells, and felt guilty about it. The world lost its color and food its taste. But I was afraid to seek help and did not want to burden my friends and family, so I did not tell anyone what I was feeling. I just ignored it and hoped that it will go away on its own.  And although I reached out to a few friends they did not suspect that anything was seriously wrong.

It started at the end of my freshman year at Cal. I lost motivation to study, I could not pay attention in class, and I stopped attending my classes altogether. My mind brought up feelings from the deep recesses of my mind—the dark, secluded corners that are inaccessible and even dangerous for our conscious minds to wander. I felt like a small boat caught inside a perfect storm in the middle of the ocean, mercilessly and violently tossed around by the freakish waves. I felt fragile, powerless, and completely at the mercy of my feelings. My therapist told me that depression is an “epidemic” at Cal. Cal seemed overwhelming and alienating. But despite seeing a therapist, taking medication, watching my diet, and exercising, I felt progressively worse and was failing my classes.

When summer came I went home to San Diego. But by the end of summer my depression intensified. I withdrew from my next semester and admitted
myself in an intensive outpatient program at a hospital. Following the program, more therapy and medications followed. I wasn’t improving and I felt demoralized and hopeless. Meanwhile I was trying to escape my misery through taking classes, watching shows, hanging with friends, learning to meditate, volunteering, and tutoring—everything a non-depressed me would do, only arduously and joylessly.

One day the following spring my depression was gone. I enrolled back to Cal the following fall, started an anti-stigma organization, taught a class on depression, and graduated in three semesters. The experience of having gone through depression is a big part of my life, and now I want to dedicate my life to helping those afflicted with mental illness.