Jenna’s Story

This is the first time in my adult life that I have felt like myself, and not had the sense that something was terribly wrong. Bipolar disorder was what was terribly wrong. My brain cycled between extremes for years. The highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. But I just thought that was life; maybe there was something wrong with my character. Maybe I was a bad person, fickle and selfish and self-absorbed, incapable of happiness. I didn't know much about bipolar disorder or mental illness. And I certainly knew it couldn't apply to me. But it did apply to me, and looking back it was obvious. If only I had known, and hadn't been influenced by stigma and my own ignorance and shame.

Six months ago I was diagnosed Bipolar. Since then I have found an easy happiness and a sense of purpose that I never had before as a person with an undiagnosed mental illness. I have found successful treatment. Without treatment I would be dead. I do not feel drugged, I do not feel high. I am not a zombie. I am stable, I am comfortable, and I finally have the freedom to just be myself. I am more aware of the world and myself than ever before. I am getting to know myself, who I am without bipolar, with the help of a therapist. My brain is no longer forcing me to be manic or depressed. Now I can control my illness, it cannot control me.

At first I was reluctant to tell people about my diagnosis. But out of my own pain, I have realized that there can come good. Talking about my personal experience makes the issue of mental illness real. Everyone knows someone with a mental illness, and realizing this should help break stigma. I have found a purpose in life now, to become a link in the chain of knowledge, compassion, and empathy that will ripple outward and disrupt ignorance and stigma. I have changed my major at school, from Physics to Family Science, so I can better prepare for a career in social work. I am a member of Active Minds at Maryland, a mental health awareness club, and also plan to be a peer educator and a member of the student advisory boards for the health and counseling centers on campus. I recently had an article published in the school newspaper concerning stigma and discrimination amongst faculty.

Shame and ignorance kept me in the dark for all of my young adult life. I won't stay in the dark any longer. I want to overcome the shame and the ignorance. I want the people in my life to learn and understand, to build knowledge and empathy, to relate better to me and to everyone with mental illness. Bipolar has been the source of so much pain and shame for the past ten years of my young life. It still is. But today, having bipolar has also become a source of strength and purpose. Happiness is possible, finding meaning is possible, and making a difference is possible.