Tara’s Story

When you are pregnant with your first child your head is filled with dreams and possibilities for their life. Eighteen years ago I gave birth to an animated, creative girl named Brittany who lived life 100% whether she was happy, upset or mad. Six months after the birth of our 4th daughter, when Brittany was 8, things turned 180 degrees.  People are always asking how I knew something was wrong and I tell them there was no missing it. She became delusional that people were coming to get her to kill her and started having olfactory, auditory, visual and tactile hallucinations. I will never forget the first night Brittany was
rocking in my bed, wrenching her hands, terrified “they” were coming. How can I erase the memory of when she was barely nine, that we kept all knives in our dresser drawer because she had obsessive thoughts of stabbing herself. I have had to mourn the loss of that childhood I dreamed of so long ago, had to mourn some of the Brittany that I have lost. Some days I think I have overcome that after all these years but then unexpectedly it rears its ugly head of sadness.

Her official diagnosis (after many tweaks) is early onset schizoaffective disorder. Had she become ill now versus at 8 years old her prognosis would be better. She is a very smart, creative 18 year old young lady but it is buried, restricted by the layers of her illness. We have homeschooled her for the last 5 years, focusing more on real life skills, but honestly not doing as much as we should. I will forever doubt, looking at all the places I have failed her. It is clear she will always be dependent on us and we understand and accept that.       

My heart broke for my daughter recently when she said something about “normal people” and I told her there was no such thing.  We all have baggage that may or may not be apparent. My husband has suffered from major depression and anxiety, especially the last 2 years, plus 2 of his brothers committed suicide so we try and keep an open dialogue at our house to freely discuss mental illness. If our kids or their friends have questions I try and answer as honestly as possible. I encourage the girls to do projects on mental illness, not to hide their sister.