Tess’s Story

My mom has had paranoid schizophrenia for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I just knew her as being 'sick,' but she wasn't that way all the time.  There were many times that she was just like anyone else who doesn't have hallucinations or doesn't hear voices or doesn't think everyone is out to get her or her loved ones or doesn't worry herself sick (literally) about everyone's problems.  I can say that pretty casually now, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been difficult to deal with.  Watching over, taking care of and dealing with her has been an extremely rough road that I would never wish on anyone.  I've been on the verge of cracking many times, but everytime I don't, it makes me stronger and able to deal with the next time.  When I was old enough to realize what was wrong with her, I was determined to be the one that would never give up on her and always take care of her.  As soon as I moved out on my own after graduating college and getting my 1st job, I had her move in with me.  She lived with me at first, then me and my husband, then me and my husband and kids for over 10 years. It's only been in the last 4 years that she has lived in an independent living home in the same city where I live (a regular house converted to accomodate 5 seniors).  From the time she came to live with me until today, she's been on several different medications, has had multiple schizophrenic episodes (though some years have had less episodes than others), has been taken by the police to psychiatric hospitals and has hated me, my husband and almost everyone she's come into contact with at one time or another.  But she's my mom and I'm her only child...I could never turn my back on her no matter how difficult or frustrating it often can be.  I just wish there was a way for her to completely stop relapsing. Sometimes it's been from not taking her meds, but other times it's just the stress of circumstances in life that she can't handle and the meds can't combat that.  Now she has breast cancer, treatable, but fast growing and she was 'fine' until a month after the diagnosis and now, even though she's taking her meds everyday (I go watch her every night), they aren't enough because the stress of the circumstances are too much.  This is where I am today with her.  Just praying that her relapse starts to dissapate soon and that she's able to handle the therapy, surgery and radiation.  I almost wish it was me who had breast cancer because it doesn't seem fair that with all the mental issues she goes through with paranoid schizophrenia that she now has physical issues to worry about and deal with.  But as always, I have no choice, but to carry on and deal with whatever comes our way because I can't give up.