Montana Rain

By June 30, 2014Blog

This rain is getting monotonous. The creek outside my back door is so full and running so hard that it’s white water. I’m happy for the idea of rain, the probability that we could very well have a lower than normal fire season but my lawn grass is now about three feet tall. The weeds are more like four to five feet tall. I need goats! I have a neighbor who said she’d be happy to bring two goats over but I’m afraid I’ve been isolating and haven’t persisted in calling her. I called once but she didn’t answer and I haven’t persisted; I was happy she didn’t answer because if she had answered I would have had to see her and speak to her if she brought her goats. She’s a very nice woman and I’m not hiding from her, per se, I’m simply hiding from everyone.

There are a few things I like about isolating. I can be invisible. I can talk on the phone and seem okay. I have one friend, however, whom I can’t trick. She lives in NYC and we keep track of each other. We share the affliction of bipolar disorder. She can always hear it in my voice when I’m not doing well. If you have a mental illness it’s so valuable to have a friend who can make you laugh and allow you to see just how isolated you have become.

Every Spring I descend into not necessarily a black mood but a mood that shuts everything else out. Everything but the mood. I feel colorless, boring, locked inside myself, incapable of opening up to even family and friends. Texting saves me.  I have another friend  who I text with on a daily basis and she makes me laugh. In fact last night I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. So why doesn’t my mood go away!! It flees when I laugh but creeps back when I’m not communicating with a friend.

I did drive into town yesterday as I had run out of food. My four doggies were very grateful to be out and about. They stuck their heads out my truck windows and soaked up the breeze and sunshine. They made me smile. Sunshine. How incredibly important it is to all of us. My Rat Terrier is allowed to bark at only one dog along the way and miraculously, he sticks to that. He’s a rescue dog and used to bark constantly when in my truck; non-stop barking is incredibly annoying. So, I praised him when he was quiet and allowed him to bark at the one dog on our way into town and it worked. Amazing and funny!

I bought a pair of TOM’S shoes a few weeks ago. These are red, white and blue with the stars and stripes. I love them and feel a part of the upcoming Independence Day holiday.  I don’t know why I love the 4th of July because my dogs run and hide at the noise of firecrackers, I dislike crowds and unless I have another person with me I stay away from the local rodeo which is really fun.

The problem with isolating is that if you allow yourself to isolate rather than be with friends then your friends tend to stop calling. Not good. Not great for mental health either.  I have one friend who is funny and makes me laugh. I make her laugh too and her laugh is so infectious that I keep on laughing with her. I wouldn’t want to be independent of friends and family. Independence calls for taking care of ourselves. I know what it is to be devoid of humor, to feel crappy and want to isolate. Sometimes it’s inevitable but at other times just reaching out to a friend is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Have a great 4th and laugh!

One Comment

  • Edith R says:

    Jessie, thank you! I did not realize why I’m always so gloomy, upset and nervous. You have given me hope to look for someone to talk to. Again, thank your your blog.

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