It was during my early teen years that I first realized the darkness, the shadows that would often come and block out the light. These were already painful years for me, but this darkness was heavy, it was suffocating, it made me feel so lost in the moment with little or no hope for any moment after. When I turned 20, I began writing a fictional journal of my feelings, expressed through poetry and prose, which was eventually compiled in a book, “An Owl on the Moon: A Journal From the Edge of Darkness.” On those pages I poured out my deeper places that no one knew about, because I was ashamed to express my “weakness” and pain openly, wanting people only to ever think of me as happy.
Though I manage the impact of them better now, the shadows still exist, still seem to lie in wait for seasons of winter, or long endless nights. I have come to know more people who suffer in these shadowed places, friends and family who ache with the pressing waves of anxiety and depression and what comes to feel like shame in the suffering. And I ache to help relieve them. May this place and the people here help you find peace and a joy that can wrap around you when you begin to feel overwhelmed. We stand with you.
I like that you are aware of the shadow aspects of our nature. About ten years ago I had an idea flash into my mind. Feeling myself and seeing others resist, shove down, and hide in excruciating fearful pain these shadow aspects. Standing outside of myself I saw that shadow as me at different ages depending on the aspect. Then I remember how people who actually do live in the shadows change once you expose them to light. Give them a little control so they won’t be scared and hide in the shadows as much. Thus not surfacing and needing attention as often. When they’re done getting their feel of control (of course my physical self is watching like a parent) they either recede with less shame or I reel the shadow aspect in, saying that’s all. And you did great and I love you and hug that part of myself. It’s a bit out there for some to understand, but it’s been the most amazing experience. Now nobody can wound me because I’m friends with all the many facets I have. We all have.
Thanks for sharing about the shadows… Bring them out and give them some monitored floor time… Providing you are in a place to clearly see yourself without turning your head. Stay purr and good.