Chris T

Like many, my full and accurate story is just too long to type here. The start of my troubles has a hazy beginning, with an onset either 8 years ago or 3 years ago, depending on how you look at it. The last 3 it has been treated in all sorts of ways, mostly medically as the therapists (6) who are all super and well intended people, just haven’t been able to move the needle. Dozens of doctors have tried, to varying degrees of success. As such, the battle rages and suicidal ideation does continue.

What I would think would be helpful is that people recognize that suicidal ideation is a physical symptom, at least in my case. It won’t go away with a change in life circumstance i.e. money, love, etc… It. Just. Happens. I also question whether or not we should even use the term “mental illness” as so many subheadings get lumped together under this growing umbrella. Eating disorder, alcoholism / addiction, serial killers, etc… A biochemical disorder that interferes with ones ability to enjoy life, unstable energy, I have little to nothing in common with the aforementioned and certainly can’t be fully controlled via psychological interventions.

That said, I’m in no way ashamed of having most likely inherited this condition any more than a cancer patient has with their condition. Someday people will see those who struggle against biochemical imbalances that manifest to suicide as a much more severe battle than almost any other illness. Especially when ones own family (at least in my case) treats the patient like a leper or guilty party for having it. Relatives of mine have turned me down when I asked to stay the night at their house because a new treatment pops up near where they live. My own mother has called me a burden.

A lonely fight it is. Luckily, God and my understanding friends have kept me alive; alive to face another day and keep the prayer alive that purpose, maybe even physical relief, awaits.