Up until recently, I always thought I was going with the flow, following the universe. Told myself and others I was good with wherever the world was taking me, even though my life was mostly full of sharp ups and heavy downs and all the dysphoria in between. I think I just wanted to be that person to accept it all as learning curves, as opportunities, as a glass half full. I knew I was always a little bit full of it by telling myself and others that. It was only because that is who I wanted to be. Then bam! Just like that. It is who I became. Not because I was saying I was like that or giving off the impression I was laid back. It happened because I just let go.
Now I know what all those people were talking about—the ones I wanted to be like. It’s true. Once I wholeheartedly accepted my life, my challenging situation, and admitted I was powerless over all people, places and things and breathed out, there I was. It wasn’t a load of BS after all. Not saying I haven’t had to put some work in over this past month to embrace the lifestyle. My days are filled with work and life and my daughter. The work I put in includes mediating every day, breathing when I’m not sure I’m breathing anymore, and constantly asking my body, my gut, is this what I’m supposed to be doing?
It’s amazing what has come my way! The work I need, the finances I need, the friendships that I thought I would never have. But somewhere deep down inside, I keep waiting, like I always have, for something bad to happen. For mania to overpower my balance, or for a deep depression to crush me. I’m finding though that it is different this time. Every second I dedicate to just accepting what is going on, things go in the right direction. Funny thing I realized is that nothing has changed in my life. My divorce is still a disaster, I’m always having to look for work and wonder where the next paycheck is coming from. But it is all easier now. I know that if I trust my gut, and follow the direction it leads me, that everything is easier to take.
A couple of my really good friends lately have been a beacon of support. They are the kind of people who truly embody the following the universe vibe. And every time I doubt my myself, they remind me that everything happens for a reason and that I can learn from every minute of my life. If my car breaks down, it happened for a reason and what follows was something that was supposed to be. If I have low funds in my bank account and am not sure how I am going to pay bills, then that is where I am supposed to be for the next big lead to enter my life. If I run into a neighbor at an inopportune time who wants to chat for longer than I have time for, then there is something in that conversation I am going to need to hear in order to lead me through my day. And they are right.
I usually write about how things are hard, how my bipolar is challenging and how I fight. For the first time I feel I can confidently share how my life has clicked into place. It isn’t always about just trying to accept the big things in life that can change us. It is about accepting every single second of my day as it comes that has made my life so much easier. When I dread about what the next wave of depression will bring, I just accept that I’m worried about it, and I move on. When I’m worried about money, I just accept where I am, and I move on. So far, every time I accept and breathe and let it go, my anxiety and worry just melt away.
Maybe I’ve found that essential key in life, for me at least, that is going to pave my way to a better life. One that I can actually enjoy. And I am definitely not fighting this one! If acceptance of all things big and small is the key to a better life, I’m going to seize it and roll with it. Going through a horrible divorce has put a tight clamp on my life for long enough. I am ready to take joy in every day I have my daughter with me. And I am ready to let the universe bring me the love and support I need from new friends. And I am ready to put the pedal to the metal on the career that I love. I’m ready to remove bipolar from the driving seat.